Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I cockslap morals
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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