Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
