I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
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