I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
