I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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