I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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