god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
