i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I think I won the penis lottery.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
