M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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