I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
