Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Randomize
