i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
