party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
