I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
