Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
