omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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