god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
