hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
