I looked at my own cervix.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
