yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
Someone shit on the floor
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Randomize
