her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
