Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.