You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
