She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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