I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
thus making me awesome and them whores
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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