End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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