I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
