Only a mothe r could love this liver
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
This can only be settled by a dance off.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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