a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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