You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
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You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
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Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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