I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
