Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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