You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
be right there i have to get my cape
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
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