I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Randomize
