I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
