My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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