You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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