Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Randomize
