I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
