I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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