I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
