8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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