Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
