Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
