Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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