She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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