You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?