I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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