you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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