you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
