Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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