Someone shit on the floor
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
