My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
