Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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