All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
