OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
