guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
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You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
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I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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