not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
