We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
