Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
