This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
