Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
