You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
